Lightness of Being…

There was once a little girl called Maryam, who lived on a small island and who simply adored the mysteries of the night. She didn’t have too many opportunities to be outside, since her parents were really overprotective and sunset was a firm curfew. But she found little reasons here and there to sneak out. Sometimes her mother would send her to their neighbors with a plate of food or an errand and the little one would seize her chance. She would rush into the welcoming arms of darkness and feel enveloped by a certain lulling depth, something she couldn’t quite define. The closest (and crudest) feeling she could compare it to was when she snuggled next to her mommy at bedtime. There was safety there; intimacy and comfort.

The night air soothed her and provided plenty of fodder for her imagination to run free. She listened to the stories the leaves told her of events that unfolded in the time before time. The ocean breeze gathered songs and tales from far and wide and gushed their melodies into her small frame. She dawdled on the steps climbing out of their home breathing in the beauty that serenaded her unconsciousness.

There were few other times when her escapades were lengthened and she could scarcely believe her luck. Whenever they went away on holidays or took off to a little resort at the edge of her island; she was able to stare up into the heavens and connect stars, wondering how far the galaxies truly are. There something about how darkness gently effaced reality as well as her sense perceptions, elongating shadows and alluding to something else, something a little beyond the edge of her consciousness.

Sometimes she felt the darkness enlarged her. It removed the distinctions between her frame and the rest of the universe. She blended in with the earth and her heartbeat was magnified to become the center of the universe itself. Other times she felt there was a great nothingness “out there” and she was simply an extension of it all.

At home, on those nights she was forced to stay indoors, she would close her eyes and unfold her wings. She flew into outer space, straddled the milky way, and took in the millions, no billions of other galaxies dancing to some unknown beat expanding into that space beyond space. She felt small then and awed by the magnitude of it all.

Much later she was happy to recall something of the preciousness of those moments.

{-}

Two decades removed, and she could barely walk from her car to the illusory safety of her apartment without clenching her fists, tensing her shoulders and holding her breath. Something always loomed over her, the darkness snarled threatening her with evils she couldn’t quite name. She distrusted the night, hated it even for the way it wrapped her fears around her; the way it forced the mask off her face.

{-}

“Why are you taking so long” Her aunt barked at her, “Come on hurry up!”

Little Maryam was dancing on the steps. Two up, two back, one, two, three, up and down.

“Maryam, you shouldn’t play in the dark the Jinns will mess with your head!”

“Jinns?” Maryam looked up, she had heard of them of course, but never thought they would be interested in someone as inconsequential as her little self.

“You mean you don’t know about Jinns?” Her aunt’s eyes widened. She licked her lips and started talking in urgent whispers “You see, they are these invisible beings that live in trees and hide in shadows. They love waiting for little girls, just like you, to possess and if they like you, they might even marry you and then kill off any man who dares come near you!”

“Nuh uh” Maryam said, unable to respond in any other way.

“Oh yeah! That’s what happened to Hafsa-the-spinster. You think no one wanted her? Every man who dared to look at her was struck down at the first instance. Her Jinn is possessive! Besides have you seen her dance? She goes into this trance and you know that’s the first sign of a possessed woman.”

Maryam just laughed a little at her aunt’s apparent silliness, but when the leaves tried to say something to her, she resolutely turned her ears deaf and ran up as fast as her tiny legs could carry her. She would never, ever allow a jinn near her.

{-}

Of course, as the years turned so did the accumulation of her fears. Jinns were augmented by rapists, kidnappers, robbers, and all forms of psychopaths. She resisted darkness so much that she eventually forgot the softer things in life, and immersed herself in the harshness and grind of daily living with cautious stress.

{-}

“Wait till after Isha, then we can go to the lake…” Sarah whispered to her during dinner.

“But that’s like 11:00pm and the lake is two miles past thickets, bushes and trees!” Maryam’s adult voice squealed a little.

“It’s okay, I have been there alone plenty of times, it’s gorgeous and so serene!”

“Aren’t you scared?”

“Of what?”

“I don’t know like Jinns or something?”

“Jinns? Don’t be a FOB Maryam!”

“Fine, what about rapists or something?”

“It’s a pretty safe place. Don’t be a worry wart, just meet at the gate at 11:00pm okay?”

{-}

“Why are you scared sweety pie?”

Maryam’s little hand clutched her cousin’s fingers as they made their way up the stairs. Her palms were sweaty.

“It’s the Jinns” she whispered her eyes wide with fear, steeling herself not to look at the menacing shadows of the trees; or listen to the evil whispers of night.

“aww habibty! Don’t worry about them. Do you want me to teach you a supplication that will protect you from every evil out there?”

Maryam nodded vigorously.

“Say In the Name of God, the most Gracious, most Merciful, in whose name no harm can befall any of His creation.”

Maryam memorized it promptly.

{-}

As they walked towards the lake, Maryam chanted “InTheNameofGod, InTheNameofGod, InTheNameofGod, I Seekrefuge, I seek refuge, I seek refuge….” She tried to even out her breathing, and willfully relax her muscles. “Just trust” She championed herself. “Just trust.” It was hard unclenching after being wound up for so long.

The breathing helped but there was no songs in the air, no mysteries, or beauty; just menacing shadows with hidden intentions. Just a threatening darkness that was ready to envelope her into oblivion.

{-}

Later still, she took her first tentative step outside (at night!) under the pretext of taking out the trash. Cold air bit into her skin, she willed a deep breath and waited, listening.

“There is nothing to fear but He who pervades everything; who has willfully shrouded existence with Mercy and Compassion.”

There was healing in dark spaces. She was just beginning to reach into her inner spaces trying to find her way back into the galaxies without.

{-}