Lightness of Being…

I didn’t realize how nervous I was of Yusuf’s labor and how much I was talking about it, until one day Sufyan rushed into the room clutching his tummy:

“Mommy I am scared!” Eyes wide, heart racing, tummy clutched.

“What are you scared of habiby?”

“OF DA LABOR!”

I almost passed out.

“DA LABOR” was thus inaugurated as a new monster. Sufyan would stand at the window and run exclaiming “DA LABOR IS COMING!”

Or open the closet and inquire “DA LABOR?”

Or order “Mama RUN!!! RUN!!! DA LABOR IS HERE”

and on and on…I tried to put a stop to it, by telling him that DA LABOR is gone, but it hasn’t helped. He still brings up DA LABOR, along with DA OLD MAN, and DA MONSTA as the three top “scary” figures in his life right now. (I don’t know who/how DA OLD MAN joined the crew, but he’s there in spite of my attempts at telling him stories where DA OLD MAN is the hero and savior of the day.)

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Yusuf is all preciousness. He is quiet, undemanding, gorgeous (absolutely!), and happy. He loves to coo, to be talked to, and held. Right now he sleeps through the night, but I know better than to celebrate, since that tends to change.

When people told me to “enjoy” Sufyan when he was a baby since that phase was the “easiest”, I wanted to strangle them. What do you mean easy? I was so overwhelmed with him, I couldn’t think straight, couldn’t’ tell day from night, wasn’t coherent for about six months post-labor.

With Yusuf, everything is much smoother, gentler, sweeter, Alhamdullillah. I am really enjoying him, cuddling with him, breathing in that heaven kissed newborn scent. I am all “please don’t grow up fast baby, please take your time…”

With Sufyan I couldn’t wait for him to get to the next milestone, reading everything on motherhood, observing his “progress”, celebrating…With Yusuf, I wish I can freeze him in the moment. I want him to take his time, but it seems like time is not willing to slow down for him either.

I am still more forward-looking with Sufyan, reading up on what options I have for his education/learning, knowing I am blazing the same trail for Yusuf. With Yusuf, I just want to enjoy the moment he is nursing, the way he can now swat his hand clumsily on my face, the way his little fingers clutch at my shirt.

I cried when I went to buy Sufyan’s stage 2 diapers, I could just see all the other milestones passing by, him in wedding suit being whisked away by his bride (the nerve she has!) With Yusuf though, all I could muster was “already?”

Yes, no matter what your mom said to you, she did compare you all. Or more precisely, her self and experiences with each of you.

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Sufyan is all demanding, all LOOK AT ME RIGHT NOW AND NOT THAT BORING BABY. He can still be his old sweet adorable self at times, but we have those really hard intractable moments when he is SHRIEKING his head off and I am holding on to my last strand of sanity (and by the way, why oh why, do they schedule their crying/demands at the SAME TIME?)

I am okay, really, I am fine.

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Sufyan’s vocabulary astounds me. He speaks in full-sentences-thank-you-very-much and uses logic to trap me in my own inconsistencies (already!)

Like the benign “Sufyan don’t use too much water to wash your hands okay? It’s a waste and waste is not good, k, baby?” And him turning around gasping “MAMA! That’s too much water! It a WAISHT”

Or being contrary for the sake of it: “Mama are we there?”

“Not yet Sufyan”

“YES YET MAMA!”

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Word of the month:  “NEED”

“Mama I NEEEEEED to swing”- Trying to explain swinging is not exactly a NEED does not work.

“Mama I NEEEEEEDDDD that toy/cookie/ice cream/juice/pretty-much-the-forbidden-item-of-the-moment.”

Most heartbreaking of all “Mama I NEED you” with a sob, at a moment I am invariably busy with Yusuf.

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One commentator, a new-ish mother of one (yes, you Natalia), asked once whether we can truly love the second as much as the first (or something to that effect.) It’s hard to explain, they both inspire different emotions in me. Sufyan taught me what motherhood entails, and is still leading me down the pathway and yet-to-be-reached milestones. We know each other, we’ve “been” there together, we have made history together in each other’s universes. Yusuf is all newness, excitement, wonder, nostalgia. He gushes out the maternal/sappiness in me.

I feel this incredible compassion for him. I feel so sorry for him; he is so little, so helpless and vulnerable. Particularly heart breaking, is when he is chilling in his bouncer, with all that divine innocence of his short life, smiling vaguely at an Angel in the distance; when all of a sudden WHACK! Sufyan just swooped down and hit him on the head!

Sufyan soon figured out his doesn’t even need to hit him physically, he can just stand somewhere in the vicinity and let out a heart-shattering-ear-splitting scream for Yusuf to be startled into a wide-eyed-confused-scare of what just happened here?

I totally understand where Sufyan is coming from and it’s really hard to get too mad at him. We prepped him too well, for the little brother who will come and play with him, who will learn from his feet and who will be Sufyan’s own little baby. The moment Sufyan came into the hospital room, he said “Come on Woofuf! Let’s go PLAY” And Yusuf just sat there staring into space.

We cheated him. We had left out the part where the baby does NOTHING exciting for a long, long time (eternity in a preschooler’s world). He just eats, sleeps, and demands mommy’s time at all hours of the night, making mommy tired, cranky and short tempered with Sufyan (the once reigning prince of her universe.)

We are all somewhat adjusting. Thankfully for Yusuf’s long sleeping hours, Sufyan and I can still have our one on one moments. Sometimes, I leave the baby with his daddy and take Sufyan out to the park, walking, for ice cream, so that it’s just “us” time.

I noticed the more I give him attention, the less whacks the little one gets and more affectionate Sufyan is with his little brother. It’s so cute to see Sufyan baby-talk to Yusuf and Yusuf smiling and cooing back.

I have also learnt to pre-empt the attacks, by tuning in on Sufyan’s mood. The moment he is bored, sleepy or hungry, I have to intervene or else…

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I am learning too much at one time, marveling at my own endurance throughout it all. Some days, are perfect, like today enabling me to work, write, and play. Other days, I despair of anything resembling normalcy.

I have fixed two things in my schedule that enable me to face each day with a reservoir of optimism (that is sometimes drained away in a moment): Going for a quick jog/walk in the evenings when daddy-yo is home. It helps me connect with nature, empty myself of negative energy, trace the henna dyes flaming the horizons, and breathe that delightful crisp air announcing winter.

And I also wake up before the household for some prayer/reflection/supplication/meditation. Everything else is fluid and so far it has worked out beautifully for me.

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Stay tuned for the next episode of YuSufyan….
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