The missing family member
10/21/07
It’s been almost three years since we got rid of him. I couldn’t take it anymore. This addictive way I hated him; this helplessness that would make me unable to turn away. I would stare at him for hours at a time, listening to his constant chatter, seductions, lies.
You see, I knew he was lying; I knew it, even when he arranged his face into a serious pose and started talking about what’s going on in the world. It was especially when his voice took on the self satisfied gradient of “objectivity” that infuriated me more. “You lie!” I would mutter under my apathetic slumber. Somehow he did that to me. He arrested me in a vice grip of passivity and my mind would turn into mush under his hold. My spirit would flee during our daily sessions, and I would be left with the constant chattering of my mind, my soul; the myriad of ways he scattered me, yet I kept coming back for more.
The reasons for keeping him were just as powerful as the reasons I had for getting rid of him. They were probably more potent, since a small part of me had been sold by his lies. It’s not easy to fight someone who drags you down the abyss; the nihilist within is just waiting to unfold.
So I kept him long after I was convinced we needed to sever these poisonous ties. I kept him longer still because “everyone else had him” and because I wanted to believe that amidst the chatter there must be something useful in there for me. That somehow I needed to listen to him, so I would have something “smart” to say when company was over. You see, he provided us with the flaming “debates” of the day and gave us pointers for both sides. I was a bit afraid of all that emptiness his disappearance would cause. What would we do without him? I also didn’t want “to miss out” because surely there are some educational benefits to his presence, even if the education lies primarily in sharpening the cynicism within. Isn’t cynicism a good thing?
I would watch the most debasing of programs, staring at him in revulsion, but at least content in knowing “I was better” than the masses. What he termed “Reality” were actually doses of delusions, but I was “smart” enough to detect them and I prided myself in my own illusions. Without his presence, who would nourish my ego like that?
It wasn’t easy, and everyday there were more reasons to have him; and every other day there were more reasons to get rid of him.
I really needed a more powerful motivation to be rid of him, and it came wrapped up in the sweet innocence of my first-born’s face. My protective jealously immediately set me into action. No, I will not my share my baby’s attention with him. No, I refuse to subject this angel in my care to his indoctrination.
So we finally got rid of him and my whole household breathed in relief.
I waited for the sky to fall, for my life to be dramatically different; but nothing perceptible happened right away.
Gradually we started filling up the time we had with more soul-nourishing activities; my spirit never had to leave anymore. I was in constant touch.
People wonder how I raise my son in his absence. Some feel bad for me, for they tell me how their children have learned much from his presence. “Do you know he teaches ABC’s and 123’s? Do you know he even teaches SPANISH?” I nod in silence. You see, I know better than try to argue with them, I remember when I was in his all encompassing hold…it’s not easy. I know it’s not easy.
Some people wonder what does my son do all day? “Not even computer games?” They ask me, and I shake my head. No, I am raising him “smoke” screen-free for as long as I can help it. See, many people have forgotten that children are extremely imaginative and when left to their own devices they flourish. I respond, “I let him play.” And they can’t imagine how a child can just play without the constant stream of entertainment to arrest them. “I don’t want to imprison him.” I respond.
Without his presence, my son is so busy, so busy. He plays with household pots, pans, spoons, and sometimes his toys. He sits for long periods of time to write/draw/color. He loves best to go outside. The little backyard we have, is his haven. He observes little creatures, rides his bike around, and more than once I would catch him simply staring at the trees and sky in awe.
Without his presence, my son has learned to entertain himself. He makes up stories to himself, he runs and hides from “imaginary” monsters and sculpts playdo with time.
Without his presence, we found out about the groundhog who has made a home in our backyard (of sorts.) And my son keeps me updated on his movements and we’ve affectionately adopted him as “hotdog” (Sufyan’s version of groundhog.) Without his presence, my son is still whole.
Some visitors come and take one look at how our couches are all facing each other, instead of the mandatory orientation towards his altar; and they get confused. “Is he in the basement?” They ask about him, like he is the uncle or grandpa. The mandatory family member whose presence can’t be missed. I say “oh no, we decided to get rid of him…” They look at me without comprehension, why? The vibe around us immediately becomes charged, I feel the walls coming up. So I say something vague and try to shrug my shoulders.
And this is what pains me the most, their assumption that I got rid of him due to “extreme” “religious” reasons. “It’s not that” I try to explain, but to go into all the real reasons would be worse. I have had experience in this, the way they would try to argue down each reason as if…as if, I was somehow convincing them to clean him out of their houses as well. But I know they won’t. I know they can’t. For some of them, he came with a hefty price tag, something in the range of the thousands; wrapped up in the latest technological model. I can’t compete with that, so I don’t even try anymore.
One person really close to me admitted “I would be depressed without him.”
I am happy though. My home is my refuge. The walls don’t have to absorb synthetic sounds; we don’t spend our long evenings in his flickering lights anymore. I don’t have to feel the deadness within every time I plop down on my couch.
My couches are for snuggling and reading children’s books out loud, for recitations, for conversations.
My home is for silence, for children’s laughter, for nurturing beautiful thoughts and adorable beings.
There are a lot of worries I don’t have anymore. Of what else my children would be absorbing, of images I have no control over, of being “programmed” in ways I still can’t shake off. I don’t have to deal with the empty chatter of noises in the background, with scheduling my life around “episodes”, or the constant dose of lies, insecurities and psychosis he fed me.
I am still healing from the onslaught of all those years I had wasted at his threshold. I am still piecing together my own imagination and just starting to hear my spirit’s songs. I am still learning what it feels like to be whole, but I do take solace in that at least my children won’t have to take the longer and more painful trek home. God willing. Amin.
10/21/07 at 1:11 pm
bravo!that takes so much of courage!
10/21/07 at 1:16 pm
I was raised without television and I can say that you are making a great choice not to allow it in your house. My husband can´t live without it, so we have one now, but I only watch about an hour or two a week and try to keep it off when he´s not here.
Kids learn to be far more creative like this. Who cares what other people think? You´re doing a great job!
10/22/07 at 3:35 am
Amin. Haven’t commented in a while, but I hope you’re keeping well with the new addition to the family and the recent loss ; )
10/22/07 at 5:27 am
It’s very difficult to get rid of ‘him’ - the TV! I do congratulate and admire you for that. I just hope you manage to keep your ’spirit’s songs’ and not have ‘him’ back soon.
At the same time, you can censor what you and the family see - should you have ‘him’ back.
10/22/07 at 6:49 am
We didn’t have a TV growing up. Now we have the box but it isn’t connected to the cable
We just bring in videos every once in a while. The problem is if the children haven’t watched a popular movie and their friends have, the friends discuss them in too much detail leaving nothing to imagination. Or children sometimes start watching TV at friends’ and so you can’t even send them for play-days. It is a problem with school-going children.
You did the right thing. Well done!
10/22/07 at 7:03 am
Salamaat,
Safia: not that much courage…really.
expat mom: Welcome to my blog; I didn’t grow up with a TV either. I started watching when we moved to the US, and I think that’s why it bothered me so much.
Hajera: thanks, I have a post brewing on the kids updates…as for the loss, its been almost three years, so its been a while (relatively.)
Omar: It’s not just about the content, but the commercials that are constantly pushed to kids even as young as 18 months old. It’s really insane. It’s also about habit formation and I would hate to turn my kids into couch potatoes. Really, Omar, I also see the difference between Sufyan and other kids in terms of “hyper activity” and I gotta say he is so mellow Alhamdullillah. I think it has a lot to do with the absence of the medium itself and how it engages (or not) the brain.
Achelois: I face that to a certain extent now, when he goes elsewhere and they turn the TV on. The good thing is his attention span for TV right now is really short. So he won’t sit there for long. I am not sure how I will handle it as he grows, but we’ll see Inshaallah.
Maybe when they are older, I might consider bringing the box without cable and doing timed video sessions. But that’s not till they are much older Inshaallah.
I grew up in Kenya prior to the satellite explosion and that’s where my love of reading/learning took root. I would hate to take that experience away from them.
10/22/07 at 12:32 pm
Hooray for you, brave woman
We got rid of the TV six months ago, and haven’t missed a thing 
And now is the time Sufyan is forming his personality, and forming it through imagination and nature is beautiful. Letting it be formed by the crap on TV is mind-numbing and makes for lazy and unimaginative children.
Ya Haqq!
10/22/07 at 3:09 pm
You have done what I’ve wanted to do for so long. When my husband came home years ago and informed me that we were going to replace the TV with a fish tank, I protested. I won.
Now he’s the TV junkie and who’s to blame?
10/23/07 at 11:32 am
I wish I too, could do what you have done. I have been wondering: how long will you be able to keep ‘him’ away? Won’t Sufyan and the children, once they gow up, visit friends, insist on having ‘him’ back?
I find that, it will not be possible for me to do that. There are some good things about having the TV around: I and the Family can watch Amr Khalid, for instance - that’s some thing only the TV can provide. And there’s the ‘Al Jazeera documentaries’, ‘Animal Planet’ and such educative channels (which are a favorite with the Family) - which are too, only available on the TV. A few days ago, the whole family had a great time watching the Rugby World Cup ‘live’ on TV and were overjoyed at the rainbow land of Mandela winning.
Like you, in East Africa, I didn’t have much time for the TV but only for books; but now, there’s so much I and the Family get from ‘him’ (may be you think otherwise) that I don’t see ‘him’ ever being thrown out of our home.
10/23/07 at 9:29 pm
Assalamu alaikum, Maliha….this is the first time I’ve come across your blog….and what an inspiring entry….my TV set is in the basement & it gets ONE channel….and I’m set on not getting cable….your entry gives me courage to do away with it completely, especially with my four month old son growing ever so quickly….Jazakallah Khair!!
10/24/07 at 8:11 am
Salamaat,
Omar I am taking each step of child-nurturing as it comes, it’s hard to know what’s going to happen in the future…part of me thinks/hopes if they grow up w/out it during their formative years they won’t “need” it when they are grown. But God knows best.
Also, I don’t look at Tv as an absolute evil (everything is grey in my world…
but for us right now this is the best move.
MK: Awesome, you won’t miss it especially since you don’t have cable anyway. (We did the step by step thing too; did away w/cable and then finally just got rid of the box…the furniture is much prettier arranged w/out it
)
10/27/07 at 11:32 am
Really nice, Maliha. How’s the radio?
10/28/07 at 11:20 am
Oh how I loved this post! I too released myself and my family from “his” grip last year and feel much more human without it.
10/29/07 at 11:11 am
Yay! Good for you Maliha. Husband I kicked the TV habit in Ramadan, and re-oriented the couches so none of them face it any more. I thought it would be harder than it was. In the beginning I used to wonder what I would do with myself for all those hours I have free. Then I picked up Tolstoy and the rest is history
Ofcourse we’re still batlling the internet addiction. InshAllah one day we’ll kick that too!
10/29/07 at 11:39 am
Oh, I love this piece! It should be distributed everywhere! May I share the link to it with a mother’s group I belong to in NYC? (I am one of the official Grandmas of the group) I love the writing and the way you characterize this fellow - it’s perfect! And well done for giving him the boot, Mama!
Having gotten rid of him six months ago, I too breathe a great sigh of relief every day that I do not have to listen to him chattering on with his smug innuendo. I wouldn’t worry about him being over at other people’s houses, YOUR house is still an oasis, no matter what!
Salaams, dear Sister!
10/30/07 at 10:15 am
Salamaat,
Ibrahim: I get to listen to the radio when I am driving, alone, and its not too often…wasn’t sure if your comment was intended to be a joke though.
Krista: congratulations, it is a nice feeling isn’t it?
Muse: when you have kids internet addiction will sort itself out…your time will just be too precious. So enjoy while you can. Which of his works are you reading?
Patricia: So good to see you! Of course you can share it with anyone you like. Thanks for your warmhearted words…an oasis, I like that.
10/30/07 at 2:16 pm
What a great post!! Jazakiallah khair sister for sharing
11/2/07 at 12:04 am
lol… you should try getting rid of the microwave and then see how people respond
i once got “advice” from a 5 yr old on how much easier it would make things for me if i got one! and his momma (and mine) tell me we’re crazy. but it’s really not that hard, and food tastes sooo much better.
now the question is, could i actually give up Lost…
as for the teewee, we’ve got him in the basement where he is very very lonely. we were going to banish him, but decided to keep him, yet we still haven’t watched him in months (ever since Lost’s last season ended). we love movies and keep him for blockbuster.com. really, i just want to finish Lost and then never watch again
11/5/07 at 12:30 pm
Good job, Maliha
You had me concerned for your REAL husband for a moment, until I wised up (mostly by reading the comments)
When our kids were little we supplied them with a weekly allotment of “TV tickets.” Using them more or less as they saw fit they could watch perhaps two hours a week of commercial TV. The public channel, however, was virtually unlimited.
I vividly remember my then five year old son telling someone how much he enjoyed television because he learned so much through it. He had no idea of its more common use.
11/10/07 at 9:00 pm
Assalaamualakum,
I was just browsing and bumped into this post. We’ve been TV less for about 10 years (since I was 12). We had one in Sri lanka but my dad refused to get one when we moved to the U.S. It is addicting and probably brain damaging.
I’ve replaced TV with books and cycling. It drives people crazy when I choose to bike everywhere instead of drive. They can’t understand why I torture myself so =0)
p.s. You need to start visiting Jannah.org board again It’s kinda informationally deprived lately.
p.p.s Television is a she not a he. Women talk more donchaknow. (kk I’m off before I get slaughtered)