The Calculator

Dear God, 

As you know I have been working really hard to get on your good side. Why, just this morning I said all my remembrances directly gathered from the Prophet (Peace be upon him or more accurately Sallah Allahu Alayhi Wasalaam’s) lips. Even writing this I am pondering how I just scored 10 hasanats/rewards for saying Sallah Allahu Alayhi Wassaalam. I love how easy you have made it for us to get close to you. It is so amazing, I always wonder why everyone in the world is not Muslim.

The other day I got a forward in my inbox that totally confirmed how easy it is to be a good Muslim. It broke down the number of minutes we have in a day (1440) and out of all those minutes we only are required to give back 17 minutes total in prayer! I mean come on, is that easy or what?

I of course, would like to be part of the elite of the elite (As sabiqoon), so I have started implementing a program that would maximize my rewards and hopefully minimize the evils I sometimes slip on. I was told that just saying the following invocation ten times in the morning: “There is no God but God and to Him belongs the Dominion of the heavens and earth and Praises go to Him; He is the giver of Life and Death and He has power over everything….”  It be like freeing a slave! I am sure you know how many slaves I have freed lately (just say it’s a whole lot!)

I am really trying to be a good brother in Islam to my fellow Muslims and trying to give charity to everyone around me in the simple manner of a smile. When I approach someone I bestow upon them a big genuine smile counting (in my head of course) how many evil deeds have been wiped out! I love seeing other Muslims because I can shout out “Peace be upon you!” and know that at least 10 more rewards have been written for me! When they (invariably) fail to respond, I am even happier, because that means I get even more rewards (I should right?)

The other day, I heard that a Muslim brother was in the hospital and I rushed out to go see him, so happy to get the opportunity to be accompanied by 70,000 angels all the way! I kept repeating Your invocations and looking around me smugly, surely 70,000 angels could hear me call unto you! When I reached there, I could sense he was uncomfortable by my presence (I mean he really didn’t know me at all) but I made prayers for him loud and clear (for my Angelic audience) and told him that I was there for Your sake only!

Ramadhan is my favorite season! The fact that all rewards are multiplied 70 (?) fold is just amazing! There was one time I actually figured out mathematically that I could acquire 1,000,000 rewards by just combining several invocations and prayers together. ONE MILLION! that day I walked around with my head in the clouds, I was surely in the ranks of the forerunners!

Of course when I compare myself to those blessed souls who have traversed these paths before me, I know I am a nobody. I am beset by my faults and idiosyncrasies. I can barely get along with my extended family and my kids hate me. My wife is trying her best to put up with my anger management issues as well as my inability to help around the house (on the former she knows what buttons to push and on the latter I am a busy man with a lot of communal and volunteer work on my shoulders!) But I take comfort in the fact that you only mark off one point for each bad deed I commit and reward me with TEN good deeds each time I do something good!

You also are aware of my roving eye (May You forgive me) but I also take comfort in the one glance that is allowed to me to take in the beauty of the opposite sex and the fact that if I don’t pursue that evil thought you actually reward me too!

All Praises to You my Lord! I can not begin to Glorify You enough with the innumerable means you have set out for us to succeed. Yet there are many who are still heedless and ungrateful!

-Sincerely,

Your faithful servant.