Directionless Musings…
12/1/06
When I was writing “Haven’t you heard?” I thought I would go back and change the ending. Introduce something more dramatic for Samira’s last days; after her brother dies, she walks into the room with her Art work hanging and suddenly sees the truth behind her neighbor’s scorn of her “work”. Of course it doesn’t mean anything, of course it’s all empty useless work, what was she thinking? She proceeds to destroy all her art work and keeps only a dried up paintbrush so that she will never fall for illusions again and lives in quiet solitude and muted bitterness for the rest of her life.
I am not sure if I will work that piece into it, or just leave it the way it is. But sometimes, I get these moments of crises when I contemplate on my time and what I choose to do with it. Like every other blessing in my life, I am acutely aware of the responsibility that is attached to it. It is a mark of true gratitude not to simply say “Alhamdullillah” (Praise to God) but to actually do something productive with our blessings and contribute positively to the society at large.
The avenues for contribution are numerous and I have long shed my ideal to do something “grand” for humanity; simply settling for the daily acts of kindness and the small ways that I can reach out within the means that I have been given. I know it sounds and sometimes feels like a cop-out, I would have called such a person a “sell out” in my fervent ideal days. But I noticed that when I clung to the larger “ideal”, I was losing touch with my loved ones and my priorities were becoming messed up. My fear would be to turn into the activist that helps “humanity at large” but never experiences the true love and meaning that comes from forging intimate relationships and lasting bonds that challenge every aspect of our being and adds color and strength to our growth and experiences.
Then came the awakening of this passion I recently decided to devote to of writing. It is ideal for me at this point, because I really do enjoy the labor so much, and the process is so flexible (it allows me to work around my work-baby-home schedule); and reflect on the more salient aspects of life even when I am stuck in the mundane. If I do manage to contribute positively with anything I write, then it becomes an added bonus and I am deeply humbled and grateful for the baraka/blessing.
If I can share some of my self criticism is that I wish my fiction can take wings and soar. I would love to be able to add elements of magical realism; explore historic epochs, and bring to life some two dimensional characters I grew up hearing about. I feel my work is too entrenched in the here-and-now; and is possibly more observational than artistic. If it sounds harsh, I am my own worst critic.
I was starting to make some plans to pursue further studies to perfect the craft, maybe acquire some more tools and get the opportunity to research some of the other areas I wanted to explore.
My fear on all this, is ending up like the “new ending” I envisioned for Samira. Putting it a lot of work, time, my soul into something that will end up being insubstantial. “Like foams/froth that gets thrown about by the waves…” Perhaps it’s my ego talking or the fear of “commitment”. I am still soul searching on this, and my staunch Fobbish (immigrant) side still balks at the thought of pursuing something “trivial” (from my culture’s point of view). I am also painfully aware, as illustrated by some of the feedback on this blog/and outside discussions, of the mantle of being a Muslim writer.
I hold no pretensions of writing “Islamic” fiction, because I hardly know what that means. The themes I want to explore may overlap with questions on the Muslim identity and what struggles Muslims face (of various levels of devotion- which on the surface may seem easy to measure but is actually impossible to decipher and only God knows who is worthy in His eyes and who is not). I also want to explore larger questions and issues that may or may not fall neatly under that category.
I also am a bit wary of any labels; as illustrated by the most recent influx of “ethnic” fiction which pretty much served to marginalize diverse voices into a little corner of big chain bookstores- “how exotic!”
There is another dimension that concerns me about labeling; and the immediate thoughts that flood my mind when I hear “Islamic fiction” are not all positive. I know this may sound heretical to some of you, but I have had enough experience with the label “Religious” anything to anticipate narrowness, self righteousness, parochial condescending voices, predictable-ending type of work. I know it sounds really awful and judgmental to even admit this, but perhaps as our creative culture takes root and we gain confidence in our collective artistic ability this may not be a problem (it could be my own lack of exposure to good works as well).
I am not sure where I am going with this, it’s just some thoughts that I have been struggling with lately. My life’s direction, what I choose to put my energy into, and where to go in general and just really yearning to put all my (spare) time and energies into something worthwhile.
And God knows best where I will end up and whether I do have as much time as I imagine to have…
12/1/06 at 2:27 pm
Salaam Dear Sister:
Every good writer has these thoughts, and you are certainly a great writer
Don’t worry about labels or sales or anything but the story, telling it as well and truthfully as you can. Fiction also has a truth to it, that of the writer’s intention and honesty with the material. Inshallah, you are on the right path for you, one I think was intended for you. And you can do more good with one tale that touches hearts, than with many other half-hearted projects, hoping to ’save the world’
Trust yourself!
Ya Haqq!
12/1/06 at 3:50 pm
Salamaat,
Thank you Irving! Coming from a wise soul that I greatly admire and an awesome writer like yourself, it means a lot to hear that
I am so over “saving the world”
12/1/06 at 3:51 pm
Maliha, you are a great writer as many pple have said it before mashallah. Don’t put a label into anything, just sit and write dear,once it is done, you will deal with that part(which I think should come at last).
We would like to read your stuff as it is fresh,new and comes from a different perspective. Most of the books you read are all the same, yes,the characters are different but still you end up getting the same theme. You have to realize that the west is now dominated by emigrants who are trying to set roots,have families, thus the children would love to read from someone who understands their(parents) backgrounds and also from a person who understands the west. Inshallah,whatever you are feeling, you will be able to put it down and who knows, one day inshallah, I can tell my children, you know this author, well, she sat behind me in high school,yes, atleast we can brag! Keep on writing dear, btw, have you ever thought of doing some short stories in one book?
12/2/06 at 12:58 am
You are awesome with the labels. Just stay the way you are - perfect!
12/2/06 at 9:04 am
Salamaat,
Sf: publishing, some day, Inshaallah…I will just focus on one thing at a time…
Suroor: with labels? or without? hmmm…
Love ya both and thanks…I don’t know why i allow myself to be bogged down sometimes.
12/2/06 at 9:19 am
Oops! did I write emigrants? sorry for the sp, sometimes the mind is somewhere else,or I should say the spell-check is turned off!
12/2/06 at 11:36 am
Argh! WITHOUT labels
12/2/06 at 1:37 pm
“my staunch Fobbish (immigrant) side still balks at the thought of pursuing something “trivial” (from my culture’s point of view)”
It’s not unique to your birth culture. Certainly in America many people feel that art isn’t “useful”, isn’t “real work”. I have an aunt who is a very talented artist– early in her life she chose to pursue pottery rather than painting, because she could make useful things. She makes gorgeous pots, plates, etc… but I can’t help wonder how things would have been if she’d gone the other way?
But what is “work”? Isn’t the work Allah wants us to do more important than any other kind of work? If Allah has given you a talent that most people don’t have, isn’t it reasonable to suppose He wants you to use it? If your writing helps bring even one person closer to God, or helps bring a few people closer to each other, is that not “work”?
I can’t claim to have the asnwers to these questions, but I think they’re the ones we have to think about in relation to art.
12/3/06 at 3:04 am
i wrote on my blog that i wanted to read fiction that increased my iman, but that i couldn’t find it! this doesn’t mean that it’s the only thing i want to read, i’m just going through a cautious stage…in my youth(so long ago!) i became preoccupied with negative things, now i know what an impact the things we feed our soul with can have on us…so i really only want to read, view things that are beneficial to me spiritually, but i still want to read creative things so it frustrates me that there is so little available apart from poetry….write some things for us please!