Lightness of Being…

A week went by and then another; and their relationship continued thriving in the daylight and taking on the solemn shadows of night. Hanan was perplexed as to why Fuad was intent on keeping her at arm’s length. She wondered if she wasn’t sexy enough for him. Was his heart enraptured by another? Was she a mere candle faltering next to the glaring brilliance of a distant sun? She had tried to talk to broach the subject several times but stammered into silence. What was she supposed to say? “Why aren’t we having sex?” She was a virgin for God’s sake, she couldn’t bring up such delicate matters especially since it might make her seem too desperate or too forward for the chastely persona she was supposed to emulate.

Fuad knew it was only a matter of time before everything was out in the open. He tried to extend the period of bliss between them. How was Hanan going to react? She would presumably ask for a divorce (as she had every right to) and proceed to tell everyone about it to save her own reputation (lest people think she was “ruined” before marriage). He shuddered to think of how his lethargic island would be so frenzied with that bit of salacious news.

They still enjoyed each other’s company immensely and kept coming up with daring ways to spice up their little island adventure. Fuad taught her how to Jet Ski for the first time; he also introduced her to snorkeling and discovering the beauty and intricacies of the coral reef. They went whale watching; swam with the dolphins, and even dared each other to parasail.

Everyone who met them from tour guides to the locals commented on how “cute” they were together.

“You have newly weds written ALL over your face” An old German lady gushed over them.

Both Fuad and Hanan were discomfited by her innocuous comment and with practiced subtlety avoided each other’s eyes.

{-}

“Come on! Get up sleepy head!” Fuad was jumping up and down on their bed; pulling the shades to allow a fresh burst of sunshine onto her face.

“I am tired!” Hanan whined it was getting harder and harder for her to sleep at night.

They had two more nights left in their honeymoon and she was near hysterics dreading the day she would have to face their families still a virgin. What would they say? Would they blame her for not being a good wife? Is it true that some women could detect the status of a girl’s virginity by the contours of her face? What if the word got out somehow of the true nature of their relationship? She felt weighed down by the anxiety and her stomach was knotted in twists and turns. When she did sleep it was in a fitful doze with nightmarish images of women pointing their fingers at her and Angels promising her a special throne in hell fire for failing in her “wifely duties”.

Fuad decided to let her make the first move. He figured she would find out sooner or later, and there was no need for him to hasten anything. He intuited that it might not be fair to place the burden of communication on her, but he just couldn’t bring himself to verbalize anything yet. With the stress off his shoulders, he was able to relax more and enjoy the moments he did have with her.

“Come onnnnnn!! We have a whole day’s cruise awaiting us!”

“It’s okay Fuad, I really need to sleep in for once…I am so tired!”

“Come on Habibty”

Hanan’s heart ached at the sound of “my love” cascading from his lips. Did he really mean it?

“No, I am tired…please, let me rest, we can catch the mid day cruise”

“Okay princess you sleep in. Let me go workout, while you rest…and we’ll catch up later” Fuad pulled the shades down, arranged the comforter around her body, and brushed his lips lightly against her cheek before heading out. She held on to the fresh scent of his cologne, releasing her anguish with the pent up tears in her soul.

She wept and wept until she fell into an exhausted nap. Later, she woke up and realized Fuad hadn’t come back. She lifted her heavy head, heart, and tired body off the bed; and walked to the bathroom. Out of the corner of her eye, she saw something that made her heart leap in a jolt of excitement.

Fuad’s little notebook was strewn carelessly with his shirt on the floor. He left his cherished notebook!

Heart hammering, hands trembling, she picked it up and chained the room door just to be safe.

Seated on the bathroom floor, with the door locked just in case, she ran her fingers across Fuad’s prized notebook. Did she dare? What secrets lay yonder? Unbidden images of other girls ran across her head, did she even want to find out?

Soon curiosity and the burning desire to get to the root of her strange marriage won over. She flipped through the first couple of pages. There was nothing but scribbles on abstract poetry of yearning and voids and celestial bodies. Hanan felt a sinking sensation in her stomach. Of course Fuad wasn’t foolish enough to pour his heart out into a notebook. He knew his culture too well to understand individualistic concepts like privacy do not exist.

She kept flipping the pages, hoping to glean something that would give her some inclination on why Fuad did not desire her. Then just as she about to give up, she came across a page with a drawing of a nude man. It could have been nothing but another creative burst, for he had other drawings in his notebook, but this was different. It caught her eye right when she was about to flip past it.

There was something about the care he took in sculpting out the body; in the way the shadows lay just so; enhancing parts; while taking care to leave the rest to the viewer’s imagination. It wasn’t lewd; or dirty; and nothing of the man’s private parts showed. But it was both the absence yet presence of his nudity, the loving details bestowed upon the image, it was like the shape was caressed into being not drawn at all; something immediately clicked in Hanan’s mind grasping her soul in numb horror.

Of course, how could she be so stupid!

{-}

The rest of their honeymoon ended in a flurry of activities, enjoyment, and avoidance. They were both really fond of each other. With her newfound knowledge of her husband’s painful secret, Hanan’s anxiety was soon engulfed into the warmth of her compassion. She felt protective of her Fuad, and took pains to avoid mentioning anything about the little book, intimacy, or their relationship.

They were very close; and at times she felt something electric hovering in the air between them; but she dismissed that thought. Of course there was nothing.

Even when she had intuited what was wrong with their relationship, she never thought once about leaving him. She just resigned to her fate and thanked God for it could have been worse.

On their last night, Fuad asked her to dress up for a special night out. He wore a sharp black suit accentuating his muscular build; and Hanan stepped into a silky black dress, shimmering with intricate silver embroidery. She draped a silver scarf on her head and a matching little purse. They went to have dinner on a yacht especially designed and catered to the expansive wallets of tourists. Fresh lobsters were served in delicate china with a live band discreetly playing in the background. Tables were spaced far apart from each other guaranteeing each couple’s privacy under the starlit patio enhanced by old fashioned lanterns. The scent of fresh cut Jasmine drenched the warm air with a sultry sweetness.

Conversations were all hushed under the weight of romantic aura. Within such crafted spaces hearts were deigned to fall in love and shatter, willingly.

“Hanan there’s something I must tell you…” Fuad broached the dreaded subject as he was feeding her a piece of lobster.

“I know.” Hanan’s voice was reassuring.

“What? How?”

“I just do…” She didn’t want to mention the book, and either way she found out in a very round about sort of way.

“I guess you had to figure it out at some point. I just want to say this…I understand you will want a divorce, I just ask for a little time to explain to my mother before breaking the news to everyone else”

“A divorce?” Hanan’s mind was blank. “Why would I want a divorce?”

“Sweety, you want to stay married to a gay man?” It was the first time he had ever said those words. A. Gay. Man. His heart constricted and he felt a painful lump gather itself in his throat.

“I will never leave you Fuad. I don’t care what the consequences. I love you. I know it deep within me. It was supposed to be this way. I am fine with this relationship”

“Habibty, no, you deserve better. A real man”

“You are a real man. I want you. I will never be happy with anyone else.” Hanan’s voice was laden with emotions.

Fuad was at a loss for words. Is she crazy? Desperate? What was wrong with her? What about him, did he want that relationship? Wouldn’t it be fraudulent? But hasn’t his whole life been double faced to that point anyway? He felt torn and confused.

They pushed around the food in their plates for a while. The waiters sensing the level of distress around their table discreetly stayed away.

“Fuad, how do you know?” Hanan was still clinging to some semblance of hope. “Have you ever…?”

“No, I haven’t slept with a man or a woman for that matter”

“Were you…?”

“No, I wasn’t molested either” He rolled his eyes and she smiled sheepishly.

“So how do you know?” She persisted.

“I don’t know. It’s just that I have never desired a woman. It was around 7^th or 8^th grade when all the other boys were going girl-crazy; that I began to have some inkling that I must be different. I was never curious about girls, I never wanted to kiss a girl, or be with one. I guess I never outgrew my girls-have-cooties-stage.” He gave her a wry smile. “ By high school I was engulfed by thoughts of men. Not boys. But grown men, desiring them from a far, wanting to be touched that way by a man….” He took a deep shuddering breath.

Hanan was rooted to his story trying hard to find some flaw that she could clutch on for dear life.

“I have prayed so much Hanan. I have been weeping to God. Trying to keep away from compromising situations, ending up by myself most of the time, I just didn’t know what to do. I still don’t know. So many nights we have lain together and I will myself to be aroused; to desire you in the same way, but I just can’t. I lay there and the only feeling I have is this protectiveness for you; I want to hold you the way a mother holds her baby; or a big protective brother his little sister. But not as a man is supposed to desire his lovely bride…”

Hanan felt the let down gently; she still struggled within herself.

“But you haven’t tried. I will help you. We can fantasize…” even as she said those words she felt cheapened. What was wrong with her?

Fuad laughed gently; his heart overwhelmed with emotion.

“I guess it doesn’t hurt to try huh?”

{-}

They went back to their rooms that night invigorated. Hanan took her time to really decorate herself for his pleasure. She slipped on one of her sexiest lingerie, lit candles, she applied light musky lotion and perfume; almost wanting to add a dab of cologne just in case. Laughing at herself; she applied the final touches of light makeup and went out to meet Fuad.

By and by, awkward embraces gave way to fervent kisses, and urgent caresses. Her zeal to awaken the fire within him, made her temporarily forget about her lack of experience. She fumbled her way through, cursing the fact she didn’t pay attention to her friend’s stories of stolen intimate encounters.

After an hour or so of furtive squeezing and hugging, Fuad slowly extricated himself out of her embrace.

“I am sorry honey. Maybe we are overdoing it you know?”

“yeah sure. Okay habiby” She turned around and bit back her tears.

“It’s okay” He gathered her in his arms, and let her sob, caressing her head with soothing murmurs. She fell asleep cradled in the warmth of his embrace; he stayed up staring at the delicate contours of her face, watching how the anguish in her face was slowly erased by peaceful slumber. Fuad felt a deep welling emotion burst open within him.

No, he couldn’t allow himself to fall in love with her. But a little voice within him whispered; “you can’t break her heart either.”

{-}