Lightness of Being…

She stared at her brownish ball of yasmine (Jasmine) and roses, delicately threaded together, and carefully laced through her hair earlier that day. The wilting petals, stripped of their former splendor, bore a mocking witness to her shame. Each dying strand spoke of wasted sacrifices, unfulfilled potentials, and abandoned futures.

A sudden hatred rose in her throat like bile, she tore into the petals, tearing and pinching through the bleeding roses, the little yasmine petals until they was nothing more to tear. Her chest heaved with unspent emotions. She avoided looking at the blinking clock next to her. Out of the corner of her eyes, the green digits were screaming 2:05am. She reached over and flung it to the corner of the room. The sudden clanging gave her just a bit of satisfaction but not enough. Whatever she did was never enough. For something deep within her had long insisted that she, her self, was an eclipsed entity. She stifled a sob and lay down at the edge of bed. Hugging herself in a fetus position, she squeezed her eyes shut against her aching pain.

-
Waleed sauntered in around 3 O'clock. Standing at the side of their bed, he stared down at her smooth face. He smugly noted her mascara streaked face, her crumpled lingerie, the vanquished petals strewn around the bed. The clock comically glared upside down from the corner of the room.

Despite her obvious attempts at pretense, he noted Sarah’s erratic breathing, and smiled indulgently.

He touched her cheek softly. She froze, but kept her eyes shut.

He eased himself beside her.

She tried not to breathe in the sweaty, mildly perfumed, rancid sex smell that was still latching on his body. He could have at least taken a shower.

He reached over hugging her frozen frame. Her prudishness annoyed him to no end. But he was in no mood for an argument. After muttering some expletives he turned to his side of the bed, spread eagled, and was snoring in no time.

She lay awake long after. Slowly unclenching every joint of her body, systematically easing her breathing, and finally fell asleep wrestling with the eternal question: just how much longer.
-

It was Sarah’s laughter that had initially attracted Waleed and her point blank refusal of him is what convinced him that he couldn’t live without her. Coming from a rich family, and growing up on a small island, he was the catch every girl dreamed off. He certainly went through them fast enough, but no one seemed to be able to hold his attention. He got bored too fast and each girl started becoming more desperate than the next. Each was convinced of her own marital prospects, and in the wake of their fervent hopes, heartbreaks ensued. He was a rich, spoilt, jerk. What he lacked in looks, he made up in demeanor, and women simply could not resist his sneering bravado.

-
Despite having been dumped at her grandparents’ doorstep, by a bitter mother and a soon remarried father, Sarah grew up with an endless well of laughter buried in her bosom. It was hard not to genuinely love the little sparkling girl. It was perhaps the feeling of dispensability that made her strive to make her presence light, lovable, and pleasant. She was doted upon by her aging grandparents and her grandfather was known to repeatedly say “No one messes with my wife, my car, and my darling little Sarah”.

For as long as she could remember, she would wake up at the crack of dawn, make her grandfather’s coffee strong and bitter (just the way he likes it), and bring it out to the balcony. They would stare at the lapping waves while he answered her barrage of questions, told her stories of his youthful days, or simply enjoyed the emerging sun rise in their blanket of comforting silence.

She had her grandfather’s eyes, big and golden brown. Hers were always laughing, his wise and somber.

-
They didn’t have much, but they insisted on sending her to the best private school. Her father sent money sporadically, and the rest they simply covered out of their slim income. Sarah was naturally bright, but lacked the motivation to apply herself beyond the minimum needed. She passed through school with acceptable grades, and enjoyed the rest of her time with friends, helping out at home, or making little yasmine bracelets,and necklaces for sale to married women around her neighborhood.
-

The day they met was insignificant to her. She was just leaving school with a couple of her friends and laughing loudly at something silly they had just shared. Sarah was doubled over; her eyes full of tears, when she looked up and saw his imposing six foot figure towering over her.

Her friends flustered stood around trying not to giggle. She pulled herself to her full 5’ 4” frame, murmured an “excuse me” and tried to walk elegantly by him. Waleed stopped her with his tired line “Do I know you from somewhere?”

Sarah looked up boldly and said “I don’t think so. And honestly, I really doubt you ever will”.

His friends hooted at the response “Burned!” yelled one of them.

Waleed managed a challenging “I think I will prove you wrong” before Sarah and her friends trooped around the corner.

-
Waleed redefined courting in the ensuing days. He sent her flowers to class, notes through friends, and gallantly asked her out every single day without fail. She in turn threw the flowers ceremoniously in front of him, tore up his notes, and shouted “NO!” loud and clear.

He sent his father to talk to her grandfather; convincing them both (and perhaps himself momentarily) that Sarah had reformed his player ways.

She laughed brazenly at his guts and told her grandfather with a finality that brooked no discussion “Not if he were the last man on earth”.

-
Their wedding was elaborately orchestrated over a period of 7 days. Singers were flown in from all over the world, feasts were ceremoniously catered, and flowers of every arrangement were decorated throughout fancy halls. In the hushed whispers of the night, the small island still talks disapprovingly of the sheer lavishness bestowed upon their humble ways.

No one was clear at exactly what point Waleed finally won her over. A small part of her, which she never voiced, wanted to ease her grandparents’ worry. They were both getting old, and Sarah wanted to offer them a concrete proof of her own secure future. With her characteristic need to please others, she gave Waleed a chance and he suavely charmed her all the way to the altar.

Sarah was only 17 when she was married, Waleed was pushing 35.

-
To Sarah all those memories seemed to belong to a different era. A decade later, with three kids, and both of her grandparents long dead, she felt aged beyond her years. Things fell apart slowly, and almost imperceptibly, between them.

In the beginning he relished showing off all the places money could afford. Her genuine appreciation and excitement touched him. He was the envy of his friends, and he tactically kept her away from their prying eyes. Her contagious laughter warmed his heart and in his eyes she felt like a princess.

But soon he began to feel restless. Old flames started smoldering, tantalizing him with subdued memories of passion filled nights. He yearned for the excitement and adventures he left behind. His radiant princess, made him feel old and he hated her for it.
-

“Did you get fat?” He had asked her suddenly one day. Confused she turned to him, her lithe body bearing no hint of excess.

“I think you need to lay off the chocolates. I know all this abundance is new for you, but just watch out okay?” he shot a parting dagger on his way out.

-
“You expect me to eat this crap?!” He coughed up her food another time. “Is it too much to ask for a decent meal around here?”

Her hands shook when she delivered the next meal. He smiled inwardly with satisfaction.

-
The privately delivered snide comments, turned into public displays of humiliation. And by the time her third child was delivered, her laughter had slowly subsided into a pinned painful smile. People shook their heads and whispered, but no one interferes in another man’s household.

Only one person could have confronted Waleed; but her grandpa was long dead.
-

She was buoyed and shriveled at will. Waleed after nights away from home, would suddenly come back stacked with gifts, announcing a sudden vacation, just for the two of them. He would whisk her to a private resort, whisper nonsense in her ears, and promise her that he will never mistreat again.

The moment she believed him, she lost him. He saw the hope glimmer in her eyes, and his despise intensified. The ride back home was inevitably leaden with silence and lingering shame.

He would disappear again.

She would thank God and count her blessings.

At least he never beats me.

-

(to be continued)